What is present tonight is detachment from building up my own life.
I tend to be very unfocused. I don’t really know what I’m doing most of the time and I allow myself to get distracted by every stimuli you can name out there. Tonight, I stalled from doing any work and instead resided in my mind. Mindless scrolling through the internet. I couldn’t focus at all, nor could I get myself to be productive with my own life.
I often feel bad about my life when looking at others. Sometimes when I see other people advancing their own life, I think no! Why aren’t you like me? Aren’t like me in the sense that I don’t have grit to chase after my dreams. I recognize that in me. But the fact that I almost want others to fail is indicative that I am not working enough on my own life and instead am focusing so much on others’ lives. I’m clearly unhappy with my own life, but instead of being productive in trying to resolve this ruckus, I hope others will experience the same ruckus.
I’ve went on many internet dives, questioning why I feel the way I do. I tried to make peace with the way I feel. It’s really mean to wish others will fail, I know, but I also recognize it is a very human feeling, too.
I’m trying to work through it all. I know others’ successes are not reflections that I am not progressing in life, but it sometimes feels like a competition to get ahead in life so I can’t help but feel that way. I also know I don’t always want to feel this way — that I also want to celebrate others’ successes as well as my own. It feels bad to secretly wish ill on others because I have experienced so many “failures” (I quote because that is from my perspective), but from what I know of this is that I am not working enough on my own life. I want to seize the day!, to put my foot forward and march forward on my own path in life that is made for me and only me.
I want to focus on myself. I want to work towards my goals.
I want to let go of feeling ill towards others and instead channel that energy towards building up my own future.
