And so the journey continues!

I realized that after years worth of journals that perhaps my journaling wasn’t all that productive. I would have an invasive thought and scribble it down, consuming all the blue lines with intensity. A statement of temporary relief, a statement of validation, a statement that will be heard. But I want to work hard and change that to journal about things that move me forward and work through difficult ruminations in a productive manner. So I’m reforming my journal and maybe you’ll enjoy the journey too!

I thought a lot about… well, a lot of things. And boiling down, I realized that I just want to be kind and to respect myself. That’s all I ask for. That’s what this journey is for. Because at the end of the day, I want to let go of comparisons, impressing others, and judgement towards self and others. I want to accept myself for who I am, in spite of my flaws, regrets, and choices.

I’ll be headed off to college soon. I still have prom and graduation and finals left of high school before I say good-bye. As I’m embarking on this journey of self discovery, I wanted to kick start it with some thoughts or intentions:

1. Letting go of judgement. This one is difficult. What is most present for me right now is the college admissions process. I am going to school at one of my top choices, but I acknowledge I feel a little bit of regret for not allowing myself to see where else I would get into and I feel an urge to get into a “better” college, according to U.S. News. Some people dear to me are also going to “better” schools and I find myself wanting to… impress? them? It’s also judgement of others, where sometimes I catch myself comparing school rankings and acceptances. I don’t want to judge others for where they go.
2. I want to respect myself. This one is for letting go of expectations I sense others have for me. I think my internal battle with expectations makes short-fused and easily degrades my self-image. I am capable of more than I know and until I can fully internalize that, doubt will be my ruin. I also want to respect myself enough to not complain.
3. Letting go of comparisons and focusing on myself. I struggle with this. Mostly that I find myself so investing in others’ lives and achievements that I am not progressing on my own life. Instead, I’d like to focus on creating the life I want to live, regardless of what others have done and achieved. I don’t want to take others’ achievements as a self-reflection of everything I did not do and instead sprint towards my own goals. I want to work on my own future the way others are working on their own.

Mostly, I just want to be kind and to respect myself as a student, sister, friend, and person.